From loneliness to belonging

Do you ever feel like you have no one in your life?  Even if you spent the holidays with family or friends, maybe you've decided that you're okay with isolation. Today we're going to discover why it's not okay to be alone and some practical ways to connect with others to improve your physical health and overall quality of life. 

Episode 147 from loneliness to belonging with Dr. Vickie Petz Kasper.

 It's easy to believe you're the only one, and think that others are leading perfect social lives, while you're sitting at home, feeling isolated. Loneliness is considered an epidemic, and it affects people of all ages and all backgrounds, But when you're isolated, it's hard to know that what you're feeling is common.

 So even if you feel alone in your feelings, remember, you're not. Let's take the argument that you're the only one feeling this way off the table and talk about loneliness and how common it is. It is a human emotion that does not define your worth. People often internalize their loneliness as a personal failure or flaw, but it's not. 

There's a loneliness cycle. I'm okay by myself, followed by isolation, which then fosters a fear of being misunderstood or dismissed, and then that prevents you from opening up about loneliness.  Isolation can actually feel comfortable and safe.  There are lies we believe, like no one cares or I'm fine on my own and I don't need anyone. 

Even God said it's not good for man to be alone. We are created to be in community with others and prolonged loneliness can have significant consequences on your health. So I'm going to give you some practical tips on connecting with others. And listen, it's never too late. Certain ages and stages are harder than others, but meaningful relationships are possible. 

After I got really sick, and then I got divorced, and then there was a pandemic, I felt lonely. And I didn't want to admit it. It seemed like a weak word to tell people, I'm lonely. But I was.  But you know what? When you admit it, Sharing your feelings can lead to unexpected support and understanding. 

C. S. Lewis said, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, What? You too? I thought I was the only one."  And that's what loneliness can do to you. Now, before I give you a prescription for connection, let's go to Mini Medical School for a quick overview. And if you have not heard my previous episode on loneliness, I would recommend it and I'll put a link in the show notes. And also, if this episode is a little heavy, listen to last week's. It was funny. 

Chronic loneliness is linked to increased inflammation in the body, and that can damage your blood vessels and lead to cardiovascular diseases and increase the risk of high blood pressure, heart attack, stroke, and even dementia.  Loneliness also increases cortisol levels, and it also damages blood vessels and weakens the immune system.

And all of this can impair cognitive function. The amygdala gets sensitized and communicates with the prefrontal cortex. This is where we make decisions about our social behavior and It shows reduced activity when we're lonely and that is why it can impair cognitive function and decision making. And the nucleus accumbens, which is the brain's reward center, becomes less responsive, making activities that once brought you joy feel less rewarding.  

The impact on your physical health is significant as well. Social isolation and loneliness are linked to a higher risk of developing type 2 diabetes. The lack of social engagement can lead to unhealthy lifestyles, such as sitting in front of the TV, not being active, and eating junk. Loneliness can elevate your blood pressure, causing hypertension, and the stress response triggered by loneliness can lead to long term heart issues. Chronic loneliness can weaken the immune system, making you more susceptible to infections and illness.

Cortisol, the stress hormone is the culprit  and chronic inflammation contributes to a lot of different health conditions including autoimmune diseases  Loneliness can impact your quality of life leading to feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction. Lack of social connectedness affects your mental and physical well being. Social isolation and loneliness can impact your health as much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Your lifespan can actually be shortened by loneliness. It's also linked to an increased incidence of depression and anxiety, which can lead to persistent worry and sadness. And, of course, the most serious thing is an increased risk of suicide. Social isolation is also linked to a higher risk of mortality associated with cardiovascular disease as well as cancer.  Overall, there's a 29 percent increased risk of dying early if you're lonely.

You can be around people and still be lonely.  It's the quality of connections that matters, not the quantity. So seek out relationships with depth and meaning. 

But even brief, positive encounters with people can release oxytocin. And that makes you feel good. So, try to be intentional about connecting with people, even in little short bursts. Speak to the clerk at the grocery store. Have a conversation while you're waiting in line. Smile at people and shake hands when you can. Even those small little doses can make a difference.

Loneliness can be a temporary phase, But chronic loneliness requires proactive steps to overcome. Don't ignore loneliness because it has serious issues for your health. And asking for help is a sign of strength and not weakness. It actually takes courage to acknowledge loneliness. So if you're feeling lonely, admit it and just recognize it's part of being human.  And if you are lonely, what you need is people. 

I know, kind of a no brainer. So, where are there people? Well, there are people in classes. So, could you maybe take a class? Here are some ideas. Take a dance class. This is such a fun way to get some exercise and meet people. Or maybe take an art class where you paint together and tap into that creativity. You can even take a class at a community college or university and learn about something like history. That would be a great way to meet some people.  There are cooking classes and interior design classes and pottery classes where you put your hands in the clay together. But, here's the deal, don't take a private lesson. You know, that kind of defeats the purpose. But any new hobby, usually you can find a class where you will meet other people who are at your same skill level. 

So that brings me to my second idea. Join a club. Something like a running club. Women can run or couch to 5K are beginner runners who work together for a common goal. And the key word there is together. When you have a sense of accomplishment, that can really help form a strong bond between you. Or just go to any kind of fitness class and meet other people. But don't think you can come in late and leave early and stare at the floor and meet anyone. 

You're going to have to put yourself out there. And interact with people and it may not work the first time or the second time or the third time be persistent  Don't give up. It's so important for your health Maybe join a quilting club if you're so inclined or if you can sing join the church choir. Bible study is a great way to meet people. There are also master gardener groups that are well connected. Hiking clubs that get out in nature. So there's added benefit there too.  

And you want to know what's all the rage right now? Pickleball. Learn to play pickleball and I can promise you, you will meet people. Another popular thing right now is Mahjong. And I don't have a clue how to play it but they say it's really fun and it uses your brain so that's super important. The same can be said about playing bridge. So find a bridge club. And if you don't have a hobby or a skill or anything like that that interests you then maybe a book club is the answer. I bet you could find a local book club or you could start your own.  

I just moved to a new town about a year ago and I'm in a new bunko group. My old bunco group played together for nearly three decades. Here's the thing about bunco, you gotta have 12 people to play. So if you can't play, you have to get a sub, which ensures that there are always 12 people there. It helps maintain the cohesiveness of the group. And I think bunco is a great way to form connections. In my group, we've celebrated babies and grandbabies and weddings and graduations. And we've mourned loss and supported each other through illness and surgery. So grab some dice, set up some card tables, and invite some people over to play Bunko. And you just might find your tribe that way.  

During my season of intense loneliness, I started the Interesting People Dinner Series. I lived alone  and I would just invite a group of people to sit around the table and have dinner. People who maybe didn't know each other. And we had some of the most interesting conversations. 

And here's a super simple idea. I recently interviewed Kathi Lipp about her new book called Sabbath Soup. And she says you can always just send a message to someone and say, I made too much soup. Can I bring it over?  Taking soup or any type of food is a great way to connect with your neighbors.   I'd love to hear what your ideas are for connection. Make sure you're on my email list and just reply to one of the emails and let me know what you've found to connect with others. And give yourself some grace. It's not easy. Sometimes it takes time and effort and it can be super discouraging, but it's worth the effort because loneliness has such an impact on your health and social connectedness will make you healthier, and healthy looks great on you. 

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Sabbath Soup

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