Navigating connections during the holidays

The holidays are coming fast. I hope you're looking forward to gathering around the table, but sometimes family conflicts can Social anxiety and just the pressure to meet expectations can make you feel a sense of dread rather than anticipation.

Stay tuned for practical tips on navigating connections through the holidays.  This is episode 146, Navigating Connections During the Holidays.  Holiday stress is real.  I'll bring the sweet potatoes, you bring the cranberry sauce, and someone, I'm not naming names, will bring a grudge, an attitude, or some equally distasteful dish. It can be challenging when we bring all our different personalities around the table.

 Whether it's family, co workers, or friend groups, it's enough to make you dread social gatherings. But it doesn't have to be that way. Today you'll learn some practical tips to help you navigate holiday gatherings so you get that boost of oxytocin that makes you feel oh, so good. By the end of this episode, you'll be prepared to handle whatever is served this year. Except maybe fruitcake. No.   But I hope you'll look forward to gatherings in anticipation and not dread. 

What is your family tradition? In my family, we joke that if we ever do something one time, my mom will say it's a tradition and she will want to do it that way from then on. And listen, this is a double edged sword. On one hand, traditions are comfortable. We know what we're doing, when we're doing it, where we're going, and there is no need for discussion or decisions.

And that can be nice. No pressure, right?  Well, the problem is, things always change. Kids grow up and get married. Or, people move away and have to take time off work to travel home. Or get divorced and kids have to split their time with each parent. Trust me, I know about these things. And to be honest, sometimes it still makes me mad. But I know it's even harder for my grown kids. Feeling the pull of obligation is no fun. So, I try to be flexible to ease their stress. And some of you may not have family or a close knit group to celebrate with.

And that can magnify your loneliness. Isolation during the holidays is especially painful, and I've been there too. My kids live far away, and I was single for many years. And though I'm blessed to have a very loving family that get along, it's not the same as it used to be when I set up card tables throughout the house, complete with tablecloths and centerpieces in my grandmother's beautiful China. 

Now, maybe you're one of those people who likes paper plates. I'm going to tell you the truth. It just hurts me. I mean, what is China for if it's not for special occasions?  Okay, here's what I just did. I inserted my expectations and my vision for the ideal holiday right here in the middle of the podcast.   While some of you think there's incredible beauty in just walking to the trash can after a big dinner and dumping it all without having waterlogged hands from washing all those dishes.

And that, my friends, is a perfect example of conflicting expectations. No wonder it's stressful. We just got crossways and I'm the only one doing the talking. Well, yes, and you see, that can be a problem too. Listen, stress during the holidays is nearly universal. In fact, it's reported that the majority of adults deal with an extra dose of stress during the holidays.

For people who already struggle with their mental health, this can be serious.  Depression and anxiety can reach critical levels.  Loneliness during the holidays is often worse than loneliness on a pretty summer day. And loneliness increases the risk of heart disease, dementia, high blood pressure, stroke, and premature death. 

While we're on the subject of physical health, let's go to mini medical school and walk through some areas of the brain where we feel dread and anticipation. And yes, It's in the same location, the amygdala. It's a little almond shaped part of the brain that's located deep in the temporal lobe and it's part of the limbic system.

And this means that it's intricately involved in processing memory and emotion. And boy, oh boy, don't those two things go together like turkey and dressing.  Here's what happens. You know that Aunt Edna has been invited to dinner. Aunt Edna, who criticizes what you cooked, your weight, and the color of your shirt.

That, Aunt Edna. You remember her, don't you? Well, your amygdala certainly does, so it sends signals to other parts of the brain, like the hypothalamus, which mobilizes the troops and dumps cortisol and epinephrine into your system.  We call it the fight or flight response, but your mama isn't going to let you fly away and she's certainly not going to let you fight Aunt Edna.

So you'll just have to sit there, heart pounding, palms sweating, and teeth clenched in dread.  But remember, anticipation is experienced in the exact same part of the brain and the amygdala plays a crucial role in that. in our responses, tapping into our memories from past holidays filled with either conflict or delight. 

Knowing neuroanatomy isn't going to help you navigate holiday dinners, so what are we to do?  First of all, don't ever let people push the buttons they installed. You know what I mean, they say this, you do that, rewind, repeat. Happens every time. In fact, you can see everyone's face right from the start.

You've seen this play out before, I'm sure. So instead of dreading it, anticipate it. And, rehearse a different response.  She says, have you thought about trying a new diet? Or, I cannot believe you voted for,  Or, did your husband ever find a job so he could support you?  Without a plan, there's usually a reaction and sometimes it's nuclear.

Either sulled up and not talking or saying the exact same thing you said last year. Word for word.  But that's not going to happen this year. Why? Because you're going to have the tools to redirect the conversation. First of all, push pause. Remember lining up dominoes as a kid? You'd tap the first one and watch the chain reaction.

And that is exactly what Aunt Edna is doing. She's tapping the dominoes, ready to see them fall. But, if you put just a little more space between her comment and your response, then you have the power to interrupt the cascade.  Try taking a deep breath in this space. In through your mouth, out through your nose, that's it, one more time.

Now, smile.  It's unexpected. Throws everyone off balance. I dare ya.  Now, you're ready to respond because you've prepared a script for this in advance.  You knew she'd bring it up. She always does. But this time, you've rehearsed a different response, and you're ready.  Don't forget, your response is kind and it decompresses the tension. 

See? Wasn't that easy?  No?  Okay, keep rewriting and rehearsing your response until you get it down.  And try asking questions. This is a non threatening form of conversation that can steer things in a different direction. You see, when you ask a question, multiple areas of your brain start to engage.

You start viewing the topic from a different angle and exploring different perspectives and you get a surge of serotonin, the happy hormone. The person being asked a question is now in the driver's seat and it feels good with serotonin relaxing the brain, which results in thinking more clearly and having better insight and understanding.

of the whole picture. Now, that really was easier, wasn't it?  Need more neurotransmitter weapons? Well, when you ask a question, the areas of the brain that are associated with reward and pleasure light up. Because curiosity is activated.  And, to top things off, dopamine is released. And that's better than whipped cream on pumpkin pie. 

Oh, you don't like pumpkin pie? Well, you probably don't like my shirt either, but we're not going to discuss that at the dinner table.  But think about it. When someone asks you a question, it interrupts the negative highway that your brain is traveling down and that's And that can help with anxiety and stress and change the direction of your emotions.

When we're trying to answer a question, we self reflect. And we get a grip on our emotions and run away thoughts. And the end result is better emotional regulation.  Asking questions helps you create openness and positive emotional connections with others.   And that releases oxytocin and love fills your home along with the aroma of roasting sweet potatoes.  Strong social connections increase our chances of longevity and boost our immune system by reducing inflammation, which is responsible for lots of negative health conditions.  It's also associated with mental health benefits.

Lowering anxiety and depression, and boosting self esteem, empathy, and trust.  It all works to create a positive feedback loop. And it's not just about having people around, it's about the quality of those connections and how they contribute to our overall quality of life. 

So, next time you find yourself reacting, take a deep breath, smile, Rely on your rehearsed response and ask genuine questions. And listen, if they aren't genuine, you've defeated the purpose. And the purpose is a better sense of mental and emotional well being for all.  Let's don't stop there. Let's look at some of the other pillars of lifestyle medicine and how they can help you make a holiday memorable.

In a good way.  I hope you're going into this holiday season with some good health habits like good quality sleep, regular activity, and nutritious eating. And listen, it's not too late to start. There are some resources for you in the show notes to help, including an episode about how food affects mood. So let's take a peek in the oven.

Many traditional holiday foods are packed with vitamins and minerals. Things like sweet potatoes and green beans. Also pumpkin, Brussels sprouts and cranberry add color and nutrients. On the other hand, fatty foods and rich sweet foods can lead to a sugar induced roller coaster of emotions. And overindulgence in caffeine, sugar, and alcohol don't help either.

And neither do foods that are too high in salt. And all of this is more of a challenge if you're a stress eater. The best advice I can give you is, fill up on the good stuff, and then enjoy all of your favorite foods in moderation.  Cook your sweet potatoes without heaps of butter and sugar and top with black beans instead. 

I'm sharing a recipe with my email followers, so sign up today if you aren't on my list. And maybe leave off 3 pounds of cheese in the vegetable casseroles and just enjoy the taste of the vegetables instead.  It's easy to just eat mindlessly, but instead, savor your food,

making conscious choices to maintain your health and mental well being.  And get up and move around. Incorporating physical activity into your holiday routine will give you an instant boost. Try it. You'll actually have more energy. Physical activity helps you manage stress and improves mood by releasing endorphins and lowering cortisol. 

And you know what else helps? A good night's sleep. And here's the deal. Many people get less than adequate sleep, especially during the holidays. Well, let's face it, some people just constantly struggle, and if this is you, you're going to want to sign up to receive three simple steps to create the perfect sleep sanctuary. It's a good way to get started getting your Z's 

When you don't sleep, you can't regulate your emotions as well.  And we all know what happens when Aunt Edna pushes your buttons, and you're sleep deprived. Handling holiday stress is hard enough without the added challenge of trying to function after tossing and turning all night. Decision making, problem solving, and memory are all part of the process.

You are all impacted by poor sleep. Don't test your limits of dealing with difficult people and situations by staying up too late. You'll be better able to control your reaction, plan and focus with a good night's rest. Plus, without sleep, your immune system is weaker and a few germs are sure to be on the guest list at parties and holiday gatherings. 

Bronchitis?  Ain't nobody got time for that.  I don't mean to make it sound like getting together is hard. It's hard. I mean, it can be, but it can also be super rewarding. Social interaction is crucial for good health. It's worth the effort. So stay connected to family and your community.

During the holidays, there are extra opportunities to engage with church and philanthropic activities. And that goes a long way in reducing feelings of isolation and loneliness.  But listen, you can't please everyone, so stop trying.  Spend some quality time with people who bring out the best in you. Enjoy the moments and be grateful.

 Gratitude goes a long way in bringing joy to the season. If you're focused on thankfulness, you'll be more resilient and less susceptible to stress because it lowers cortisol levels. Gratitude strengthens relationships, and you get a boost of oxytocin as a bonus.  If you missed the episode on gratitude, there are some practical tips there that I think you'll find useful.

So I put a link in the show notes, but also make sure you're on my email list because I created a lovely card to use to express your gratitude for others. And I believe this one action has the power to transform your holiday gathering. Be sure and sign up today. I hope you'll take a moment to reflect on this past year and shift your focus to all the blessings that you've had.

And even if you're struggling, take a hike, literally, get out in nature. You might be surprised at the difference being in God's creation makes. And lastly, manage your expectations.   That starts with clear communication in advance. But don't  think your plans are concrete. Things happen. Be flexible and let go of perfection.

Trying to control all the details will make you and everyone around you miserable. The holidays can certainly bring mixed feelings and extra helpings of stress. So, set some boundaries for yourself when you need to. My oldest daughter turned 35 this week, and I remember when she was born, just a little bit before Thanksgiving. Our pediatrician recommended that we not travel even the 30 minutes to feast with family. And listen, after the delivery that I had, I was just fine with that,  but my in laws showed up anyway with leftovers in Tupperware containers and they passed my little baby around from person to person.

I was exhausted emotionally, physically, and mentally. And the last thing I needed was wall to wall people in my tiny little apartment. So guess what I did?  I went to bed and I took my baby with me. Yep, it might have been 6 p. m., but I was at my limit and I knew it and that is how everyone got out unharmed.

So give yourself permission to shut the door and lay down if you need to.  And remember to be flexible. Thanksgiving 2020 fell in the middle of the COVID pandemic. I was chief medical officer of a hospital and the toll the virus took on my little community was enough to give me pause about hosting my elderly parents, Toddler grandbaby, and everyone in between.

So guess what I did? I covered my patio tables with tablecloths, hauled my dining room chairs outside, and carefully put china and silverware at each place setting. Because we weren't going to use paper plates. Fortunately, it was a balmy day and we sat together as families. And here's the deal.

Thanksgiving's run together in my memory But that one stands out. So embrace the opportunity to be flexible. You might just make a lasting memory, rather than allowing an inconvenience to ruin the season.  But if you have particularly difficult challenges, It might help to visit with a counselor to help you navigate your dread.

Because if you prepare, you can look forward to the holidays with a jolly, healthy attitude. 

And remember, if you missed last week's episode, I highly recommend it. Of course, there's a link in the show notes, and if you're on my email list, you'll be getting that downloadable card to help you focus on the positives and be grateful for the people in your life. And you know, if you have difficult people in your life, Be thankful you have people in your life.

Pray about it, show compassion, empathy, patience and appreciation, and see if it doesn't change the atmosphere. If you can go into the holidays with a healthy attitude, it can be a blessing for you and your family, and healthy looks great on you.